Jealousy in Relationships with others

So there is this problem i struggle with from time to time. Its the definition of love for me and others, and even more the feelings belonging to jealousy. Jealousy in terms of relationships is something i have big problems in understanding.

For me there is no „your person“ or „my person“.
For example (just imagine this. pure theory):
I was in Love to someone. I loved to spend time with this person as often as i could but very early got told that i was liked a lot but love would be something different and would be not part of our relationship. That is totally okay for me. As long as every person involved knows what is the truth its okay. I could still love that person and hang around and know i’m not loved and just „liked“.

Now imagine there would be a very close friend of me coming around. The two start to like eachother. Meet in private. They both fall in Love and get together. A lot of people now start being angry on their „former friend“ because they „stole“ the person they „wanted“ to have.
And now we are at the point i can’t understand. Why should i be angry at my friend, or at the person i love? I LOVE That person and he/she brings joy to my life and i want the person to be Happy. Why the hell should i „forbid“ the 2 to like eachother? Because they Have something i can’t? You can’t force someone to love you and i will not forbid two of my friends to be happy together as long as it doesn’t affect my part of our relationships. As long as we all stay friends why should love between those be bad for me?

Of course from time to time i have this feeling of being a little sad that the two have eachother and i can’t have it. But that is MY problem and not one of my friends.
It is this little feeling of being envious but i turn that around of actually thinking that the two are happy together and think about how they work to a positive part of their (and maybe my) life.

In this constellation no one gets hurt. Everyone keeps what they have and except my feelings there is no person with pain. And my feelings were „wrong“ and one sided at the first point. No harm no problem. 

So this is the „it hits me perspective“ now where the bigger problems come in:

A friend brings along someone i start to like. At some point i start to notice that he likes that person a lot too. The friend and i talk about that. Maybe he tells me he likes her a lot but the „someone“ said it would not work out. But the „someone“ starts to like me. We talk a lot and hang around. Maybe we flirt. Maybe we spend some „alone time“.
Now SOME people will start to dislike me. Why? For me it is completely illogical. There is no reason to dislike me for anything. For me, he is still a friend and the other person just started to „get closer“ to me. He should be aware that a „no“ means a „no“ from the „someones“ side so why blame me now to „get something i can’t have“ ? No one did anything wrong. My friends just didn’t fall in love together. But why blame me now for the lost chance?

It just doesn’t make sense to me if I or someone else falls in love to someone and my friends get to know that there is now a big red „don’t touch it, it is mine“ button over their head and no one else is allowed to even make friends or talk to the person except me/the friend . In my head at least, you don’t start to „own“ people or have a right to be around them. If you are in a relationship (like being together) and that is one of your „rules“ thats completly different but in the cases i provided there is nothing like this.

Let me give you a very very abstract example of some sort. DON’T over interpret it please:

Let’s just guess we both like Pizza. We  eat it from time to time if you are around. Now you become allergic to pizza. So you can’t have Pizza with me anymore. Now you start to dislike me because i can still eat pizza (and do from time to time when you are around) and you can’t. Isn’t that completely stupid? We both enjoyed it before and now you can’t have it anymore and it becomes my problem and the other way around? In my case i maybe would have that same thought for a short time. But i would rather think: Well.. we both like it. So i’m happy that my friend can still enjoy it now that i can’t have it anymore.

(I KNOW PEOPLE ARE NOT PIZZA. PLEASE AS SAID. I broke this down very very low. People are complex i KNOW)

Isn’t this a lot healthier than being mad at „you“ for having something i am not allowed to have?



So. I will end this post here. Maybe someone else has a good idea. Maybe i’m to stupid to see why there should be anger and hate. But at least to me, as long as there never have been false promises and lies. And everyone always knew at which point they stood. There is nothing to be mad about.


Posted in Allgemein, Nex by with 5 comments.

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